I was not Fired from Parenthood

Sometimes I think of Handsome Guy and become very overwhelmed with love, and gratitude, and a questioning if I am deserving of such a great bundle of love and joy - and responsibility. I should not compare my lowered self-esteem as a worker to my self-esteem as a parent. Yet, there it is.

Things We Put Off Due to our Current Economic Status

We 've become conscious of our new bottom line. Thus, there is no more spontaneous shopping! Here are all of the things We'd replace or repair if I was employed - How about you?
front porch light.
lamp shades for the living room.
cookware.
side door.
shower curtain  (this might just have to happen).
bedroom curtains.
vacuum cleaner.
welcome mat.
bra (ladies, you know what I mean).
shrubs.
grill.

Hey Wound, Here's some Salt!

So, two weeks after she fired me, she quit! (Even though I worked my ass off for That VP, I reported to a lesser gawd, one of the Wandering Directors, after I lost a promotion to her a year ago) She had the job offer all lined up, and I was the last thing she did for the company. Well, then, thanks again. Nice knowing you.

Even Jesus Says You Shouldn't Have Fired Me!

The scripture at church was basically about “shame on you for not investing in the soil, you hastily dismissed its potential.” That’s what I decided it meant, anyway. um yeah -thanks for dissing me!

Now, I know that one should not have these thoughts. I know that one should wish all people the best wishes, no matter what. But I also know that one has to get over heart-breaking loss by going through some emotions, so god will forgive me for getting this out, then I’ll repair it by good thoughts - some day. 
As I think the bad thoughts (may-your-hair-turn-pink and may-someone-pour-maple-syrup-in-your-gas-tank kinda thing) it feels justified and validating for about one second. Then it turns to harshness on me, like a raw sore throat that cannot be soothed. I don’t like the fire of my words and I know I’m getting singed, too. But it has to come out. And hey, if it makes me laugh later, then that one second is okay, I guess.

Hurry Up! You Have All the Time in the World!

Now that I am home and broke, that money-draining daycare has to go, one week left. I'm panicked about not having enough time to get ready to have that vast, scary "time of not working" with my son at home full-time, thus, less job-hunting time. And I am on a closet cleaning frenzy. (Something about earth-shattering news-receiving and I need to straighten, tidy up, reorganize something.) Will I get to all of our closets?

What if I do not become employed again until the last closet is cleaned?

Rage = Hurt

God, you know I was hurting and I hated what was going down, but why did you let the one thing I had, my dignity of position, be rudely taken away? It has been since school ground days that I have been this humiliated. Thanks for kicking me when I was trusting you to carry me!

My Last Day of Employment, Part 2

How dare they?!? I pulled out of the parking lot, spittin' mad and panicky; and I knew just who to call.  I called not My Partner, but my old boss (Let's call her Believer - as in, still believes I'm a great employee, even though - shock: I'm not an employee anymore! ). She left the company two years before (smart lady) and I knew she'd be mad, too:  "What are they DOING over there?! Geez!" 
Now, it was time for taking stock in what we had and what we needed.  I called the daycare provider to see how long we were locked-in to our contract. I called the lawyer to see what he thought of the contract they wanted me to sign.
I called a friend who was recently laid off and was at home, where I will now be.The conversation led to how I don't have a printer (didn't have one for over a year - I simply printed all I needed to at work - isn't that what you do? ) And he had an extra printer for me - THEN, I called My Partner. She worked hard to comfort me and lift me up and has been doing it since. I was in charge of nothing, except getting my resume printed.
As the snow continued to fall, as I began to empty out my car of the hastily filled boxes, a delivery truck pulled up the driveway. Flowers from Lola, with a note reminding me that I still had the light inside me to turn this around.
I guess I don't know anyone else who got a floral delivery on the day they got their ass canned - and there you have it.

My Last Day of Employment, Part 1

It took three staff, eleven boxes and two hours to get my stuff out of the building and into my car. Snowflakes were falling - the big, flakey kind, that makes you stop and look up. I looked up and saw my best work friend (we'll call her Lola for short) walking towards me from her car in disbelief and oh-my-gawd-ness. I was so mad, Lola was so sad, and the snow was so damned insistent on being a part of this scene. And that is how a Tuesday in March started for me.