I was not Fired from Parenthood

Sometimes I think of Handsome Guy and become very overwhelmed with love, and gratitude, and a questioning if I am deserving of such a great bundle of love and joy - and responsibility. I should not compare my lowered self-esteem as a worker to my self-esteem as a parent. Yet, there it is.

Things We Put Off Due to our Current Economic Status

We 've become conscious of our new bottom line. Thus, there is no more spontaneous shopping! Here are all of the things We'd replace or repair if I was employed - How about you?
front porch light.
lamp shades for the living room.
cookware.
side door.
shower curtain  (this might just have to happen).
bedroom curtains.
vacuum cleaner.
welcome mat.
bra (ladies, you know what I mean).
shrubs.
grill.

Hey Wound, Here's some Salt!

So, two weeks after she fired me, she quit! (Even though I worked my ass off for That VP, I reported to a lesser gawd, one of the Wandering Directors, after I lost a promotion to her a year ago) She had the job offer all lined up, and I was the last thing she did for the company. Well, then, thanks again. Nice knowing you.

Even Jesus Says You Shouldn't Have Fired Me!

The scripture at church was basically about “shame on you for not investing in the soil, you hastily dismissed its potential.” That’s what I decided it meant, anyway. um yeah -thanks for dissing me!

Now, I know that one should not have these thoughts. I know that one should wish all people the best wishes, no matter what. But I also know that one has to get over heart-breaking loss by going through some emotions, so god will forgive me for getting this out, then I’ll repair it by good thoughts - some day. 
As I think the bad thoughts (may-your-hair-turn-pink and may-someone-pour-maple-syrup-in-your-gas-tank kinda thing) it feels justified and validating for about one second. Then it turns to harshness on me, like a raw sore throat that cannot be soothed. I don’t like the fire of my words and I know I’m getting singed, too. But it has to come out. And hey, if it makes me laugh later, then that one second is okay, I guess.

Hurry Up! You Have All the Time in the World!

Now that I am home and broke, that money-draining daycare has to go, one week left. I'm panicked about not having enough time to get ready to have that vast, scary "time of not working" with my son at home full-time, thus, less job-hunting time. And I am on a closet cleaning frenzy. (Something about earth-shattering news-receiving and I need to straighten, tidy up, reorganize something.) Will I get to all of our closets?

What if I do not become employed again until the last closet is cleaned?

Rage = Hurt

God, you know I was hurting and I hated what was going down, but why did you let the one thing I had, my dignity of position, be rudely taken away? It has been since school ground days that I have been this humiliated. Thanks for kicking me when I was trusting you to carry me!